The Little Bloggers Who Could: WAR DIALING French Laundry

At 0900 this morning, Michelle completely interrupted the TableTalkPortland team's normal morning routines with a top secret missive. Since I can't keep a secret to save my life (oh my gosh, NEVER tell me what kind of baby you are having, in my excitement I will accidentally tell your mother, who didn't actually even know you were pregnant), I'll share it with you. 

Troops,

We have an important mission today, probably the most important in our lives.

Goal
We must secure a reservation at the French Laundry.

Your Mission
At exactly 9:45 you will begin dialing 707.944.2380.
If you get a busy signal, you will hang up and keep dialing until you get through.
If you should break through the busy fortress and actually speak to a human being then you are to attempt to secure a reservation for 2 on August 28th for lunch or dinner under the alias Brian or Michelle. If you are told they are completely full then ask to be put on the waiting list and leave this number 503.xxx.xxxx.
If you should get through make sure that you text your fellow comrades to cease and desist.
I will send a message for the War Dialing to begin at 0945.

We will be successful,

Captain Michelle

Naturally this urgent message raised a lot of questions. What do we do if we have to go to the bathroom or require a snack mid-mission? What if Thomas Keller himself answers and we get tongue-tied and blow it? And why does Michelle get to be captain?

I can't answer all these questions for you. But I can release the TableTalkPortland French Laundry WAR DIALING DIARIES--which consists of this morning's genuine TableTalkPortland team e-mails, text communications and snapshots--to tell our story. In case you are wondering what war dialing is, it is when you have three (or more) people calling at the same time on your behalf to get a reservation at French Laundry. See, they only have three lines, so theoretically if you can capture them all, holding all the other billion phone line invaders at bay, reservation victory will belong to at least one of you. It seems very simple. 

The TableTalkPortland French Laundry War Dialing Diaries

0931 JEN: Princess Captain Michelle,
I am ready to do battle with the infamous French Laundry reservation system. I've had six cups of Stumptown (organic French Roast, if you must know) and my determination levels are at an all time high. I want you to know I am taking a break from my Tuesday morning home spa ritual to undertake this crucial mission. That is what sisters are for. Godspeed to you all.

0932 BRIAN W.: I love it! Where is my war paint?
0933 JEN: Use coffee grounds! Hurry up!

0934 BRIAN W: Don't rush me. Gareth of Wales is ready with his phone too.

0937 MICHELLE: Troops, As we get closer I must remind you to be safe, don't press down to hard on the phone keys, you must protect yourselves! Also, take a picture of yourselves so that I have an initial locate as to your whereabouts. Bless you all.
0939 BRIAN W.: Ur all nuts.
0940 JEN: Brian! Quit complaining and put your headband on already!

0940 BRIAN W.: O-k! I am not sure if i should wear the rainbow headband or the cream colored waffle stitch.
0941 JEN: maybe the rainbow one.
0941 SPECIAL CORRESPONDENT APRIL: Special Correspondent April reporting for duty! On a 25-mile run but able to perform war dialing duties as requested!

0941 BRIAN P.: Brian P here! Sir! Yes Sir!....Sorry I meant Princess! Yes Princess!  I have received my instructions, my shoes have been shined and my suit and tie ready for eating. Wait ....correction Princess.... no reservation.
Prepared to dial. 2 Phones secured. Private location secured. Friend covering for me. No time.... must go. Fire Fire Fire...again...again...Never back down....never stop..... 

0942 JEN: Princess Captain Michelle,
I am a little scared! I am eating my new favorite chocolate, L' Artigiano di Gardini Finissimo al latte al Sale Dolce de Cervia e Olio Brisighello (which can be purchased at Cacao), to calm my jittery nerves. My hands are shaking, but maybe it was all the coffee. What if Thomas Keller himself answers and I become flustered and accidentally proposition him instead of making your reservation? This mission is fraught with peril. 

0943 MICHELLE: Send an email if you get past the busy signal...
1 Minute and counting... phones up
0943 JEN: AAaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh, I CAN'T HANDLE THE PRESSURE!!! I HOPE I AM NOT CAPTURED! WHAT IF THEY THREATEN TO DESTROY MY CHOCOLATE SUPPLY! I AM GOING TO CRACK!
0944 MICHELLE: : SIS- YOU MUST FOCUS. YOU KNOW YOUR MISSION AND DON'T LET ANYTHING GET IN THE WAY. SEE IT AND BELIEVE IT!
AIM and FIRE!! GO!

(EVERYONE CALLS SIMULTANEOUSLY. WE GET A RECORDING SAYING THE LINES ARE CLOSED. IT IS DEFLATING, TO SAY THE LEAST.)

0945 JEN: NO ONE IS ANSWERING! THE TENSION IS UNBEARABLE! WHY IS THOMAS KELLER DOING THIS TO US?!!!

0946 MICHELLE :, It is a mind game Jen... he is doing it to make you break. Just focus on the goal! keep calling.. there reservation office opens at 10, but the lines get jammed right before! 

0947 JEN:Princess Captain Michelle, we talked about this! "Their reservation office..." Jeezus.
0948 MICHELLE: Don't question rank or i will have you thrown in the stocks
0949 JEN: WHATEVER. I WILL BE RIGHT BACK. I NEED A SNACK.
0950 MICHELLE: no
0950 JEN: But I am hungry now.

0951 BRIAN W: I got past the Busy signal but there reservation line opens at 10 am.....Did you try Open table?
0952 JEN: Yes! Michelle tried Open Table already! Don't you read TableTalkPortland!! And can none of you SPELL?
0953 MICHELLE: you have to keep dialing because right before 10 they turn it on and no one can get in! Open table has only 4 tops and only 2 of them.
0954 BRIAN W: Get the 4 tops...find some friends there! This busy signal is driving me crazy. 

0954 JEN: What busy signal?
0954 MICHELLE: are you not getting a busy signal?
0955 JEN: no
0956 MICHELLE: are you dialing the right number?
0957 JEN: Yes, what do you think I am, an idiot?
0957 MICHELLE: you said it
0957 JEN: I quit this mission. I am going to go make a ham sandwich.
0958 MICHELLE: Mom said never be a quitter... 5 more minutes
0958 JEN: but i have a terrible hankering for a ham sandwich!

0959  SPECIAL CORRESPONDENT APRIL: Not having any luck here, but have burned 4 million calories! 

0959 JEN: that's a lot of ham sandwiches. maybe I should be running too.
0959 MICHELLE: troops, at 1008 we will retreat and try again later
1000 JEN: i am playing eye of the tiger for inspiration!
1000 BRIAN W: I am playing Broadway's Best!
1001 MICHELLE: good idea, don't give up troops we are almost there! push through this and we will be successful!
1002 JEN: my ear hurts. can't we hire a flock of monkeys to do this?
1008 MICHELLE :well troops, should we pull back and go for a sneak attack at 2?
1008 JEN: Whatever you say Princess Captain Michelle! I am going to go make a ham sandwich.
1009 MICHELLE: Ok... RETREAT... I will see you all at 2 

1010 JEN: Good work troops. This day will live in infamy. Or something like that.
1011 BRIAN W: pooper. 2 pm it is- Jen are you taking me to Breakfast?? Lunch?
1012 JEN: No. I have to remove my NARS mud mask, and then I have to write all day. I am trying to finish my memoirs.
1013 MICHELLE: Good Try troops... Don't look at this as a failure... Look at it as training!
1045 BRIAN P: Did someone say retreat? Just a second--let me tell my admin to stop calling.

1130 BRIAN W: I can't stop calling...still busy!
1135 MICHELLE: Cease and desist! I got through! I am on a $*#*$# list! My next thing is to email Thomas Keller and try to get one of his private tables. Thanks for all of your help! 

1137 BRIAN W: Yeah. The poop list or wait list?
1138 MICHELLE: poop. just kidding. wait list. i am on my way. we are 5th and 6th on the waiting list.
1139 BRIAN P: Did someone say poop? am i still supposed to be calling?  

1140 JEN: That's fantastic news sis! We are an amazing team here at TableTalkPortland! now we just have to hope that everyone ahead of you on the list and two already scheduled diners swim with the fishes! i mean, i hope they make other plans, maybe at Cyrus!
1142 BRIAN W: I am celebrating for you. 

1142 SPECIAL CORRESPONDENT APRIL: Me too! And I earned this drink, dammit.

1142 JEN: me three! what a day at TableTalkPortland!

And there you have it. TableTalkPortland's first attempt to secure a reservation for Michelle and Brian P at French Laundry was a semi-success. But Michelle won't be satisfied until she is sitting at a table Thursday night.

Stay Tuned.